Category: © TOWACA Press International

TOWACA Exclusive

Via our On The Scene Correspondent we present the video of Weiner’s Press Secretary’s reaction when he saw Breibart walk in to the room yesterday…

Bingley in ’10!!!

Considering all the current unrest, gubernatorial graft, rapacious rabbis and fish-like mobs going around, we felt it incumbent upon us to reignite our hopeless aspirations for higher office. And as I’ve said before ~ confirmed during previous exploratory feints ~ since I’m busy, potty mouthed and a Florida resident, it appears Bingley remains the Swilling’s viable candidate for New Jersey governor. Let me be perfectly clear: Harumph!

(HEY! I didn’t get a “harumph” outta that guy!)

So that we can get this in un-Palin-like motion with a minimum of ugliness and sliming (but, as I said at the time, “with full and complete transparency”), we are providing (through the hard work and great expense of rabid Bingley supporter Real JeffSoros): his for reals birth certificate.

Chew on that while we get a fundraising scam grassroots button going.

Citizens of America: A Public Service Announcement

In the spirit of full transparency, accountability, racial harmony and general irritability, the Coalition of the Swilling is now giving the Public Option to flag and report ANY FISHY POSTS and/or DAMN LIES the Public may find here. Being responsible journalists requires that we submit our earnest ramblings to the Truth Police for vetting and have chosen a suitable fishy finder icon: the GAG grouper. Your instructions are as follows:

1. Do NOT ~ under ANY circumstances ~ READ A POST FLAGGED WITH OUR WARNING GAG GROUPER SIGN ATTACHED*


*Upon pain of cake, death or being forced to sit through an Obama prime-time presser.

2. Should you ~ in your Republican, teapartying ignorance ~ awkwardly stumble across anything remotely “fishy” at the Swilling that we haven’t already VOLUNTARILY flagged, STOP READING IMMEDIATELY. Report the problematic piscine posting to Linda Douglas, Lloyd Doggett and the proper authorities per instruction from the White House itself:

…If you get an email or see something on the web about health insurance reform that seems fishy, send it to
fishcanblowme@whitehouse.gov

Thank you for your cooperation.

For Our Next Entry in the ‘That Blows’ Category

…I give you ‘fish‘ vice the usual dwarf or Congressman.

Puffer fish sold as salmon kills 15, sickens 115

Chinese cans of the spiny little devils coming soon to a shelf near you! Just look for the leaping sock-eye and the word ‘salmon’ on the label.


Trei Tai Pei examines a freshly caught chub salmon netted by local, unemployed Cantonese toy industry workers. “We have turned to the sea for it’s bounty in the difficult times caused by American Imperialist lies,” local toy union boss Wan Hung Lo said Thursday. ©TPI

What The Hell?


Someone(s) launched a private sub into the east River today, and the police are not amused

New York- WABC, August 3, 2007) – Several people are being questioned by police after being stopped apparently attempting to set sail off Brooklyn in a makeshift submarine-type vessel.
Police say the men were caught in the area of the Brooklyn Cruise Terminal in Downtown Brooklyn, near the Queen Mary 2, just after 11 a.m. this morning
No threatening devices or materials were found on board the vessel.
The initial indication is this is not terrorism related.
Authorities say they were in a large barrel put together as a type of makeshift “submarine-type vessel,” complete with oxygen tanks.
Officers responded to the area, found the men and are questioning them. Their intent was not immediately clear.

I mean if you’re going to test out your new toy don’t do it near the Queen Mary 2, for gosh’ sake

CBS) NEW YORK A strange-looking submarine was spotted Friday near the docked Queen Mary II, and NYPD Harbor and SCUBA units arrested three people for questioning.
The vessel, with one person inside, and an inflatable boat carrying two people, were spotted near a security zone around the luxury ocean liner docked at the cruise ship terminal in Red Hook, Brooklyn.
It was not clear what the people were doing in the vessels, but police said there was no indication that the incident was related to terrorism.
The sub, piloted by a Greenpoint man, came within 100 feet of the luxury cruise liner.

How very odd.
Update: Via Lawhawk it looks like these guys were just old sub enthusiasts…and that the Coast Guard has pulled them over before.

This Is an ODD Co-incidence, N’est Pas?

First salad bar spinach…then Iraqi policemen…and now…
Sweet little old ladies at a REPUBLICAN fundraising luncheon!


- “Suck it up, Grannie!” Senator John Kerry implores geriatric Republican supporter MayBelle Ipswitch, after presenting her with a luscious plate of victuals.
The widowed Mrs. Ipswitch replied saucily “But she hasn’t got any!”
“Shut your piehole and masticate, you blithering hag.” the Massachusetts Democrat retorted. ©TPI 2006

If anyone can establish WHEN Howard Dean and the Democratic leadership knew about Sen. Kerry’s garçon fantasies, we could blow this sucker wide open.

I Have Dropped A Big Fat FATWAH on Tim “Aussie Infidel” BLAIR !!

He has impugned the Prophet (pieces be upon him) AND ARTISTS, calling us a “docile species”. Knowing such coward’s talk is Aussie Pig Latin for P-WORDS”, I have called upon my friends…

-CAIR News Conference Photo Courtesy of “It Comes in Pints?

…in all the far lands of Islam (pieces be upon them, too) for support in my outrage at this scurrilous, slurious pigdog.

Our shari’a is the most perfect of the orthodox, merciful shari’as, praise be to God. Our religious scholars said, “That which is absolute in its monotheism (perfection in monotheism), is merciful in its shari’a tenets (ease, simplicity, clarity, practicality, and other characteristics of it). Therefore, unless our military actions are servant to our judicious shari’a policy, and unless our short-term goals and successes are servant to our ultimate goal and highest aims, then they will be akin to exhaustion, strain, and illusion. It will be a bit like the happiness of children over something at the beginning of the day, which wears out by the end of the day and its evening! We ask God for security and safety.*

Oh yeah, heretic Blair. I got yer “docile” right here, big boy.
* Authentic medieval phraseology courtesy of al-Qa`ida

Now THAT’S a HEFTY Bag

“While we have not definitively put this interesting little picture to bed, there is considerable thought that it is just a plastic bag that came from somewhere and got loose,” Hale said.

New Jersey finds a new dump for medical waste, cleverly timing it’s release to coincide with bits and pieces floating off the space shuttle. Director George Lucas is incensed and filing a lawsuit. Lucas is claiming the new disposal plan (devised during a clandestine ‘Space Slut Invaders’ party at a Garden State Parkway reststop during the previous administration) infringes on his copyright for “The Empire Strikes Back”, in which the Millenium Falcon drifts off with the Imperial trash.

Former N.J. Gov. McGreevey is on a torrid truck-stop trysts book tour and unavailable for comment.
- On Uranus, Space Cadet T.H. Sister reporting for TPI ©2006.

Fortunately For the World ~ If TOWACA Press Int’l Reports It

…you don’t have to decide. Our sources and resources

“Pull your pants up, son.”
Lebanese rescuer attempts to awaken exhausted poser, while Sheik “Six Pack Abs” Ali bin Bingley patiently awaits extraction from the only beam he’s ever been under that wasn’t out of a bottle.
-Adinon Haggis, TPI

( Click HERE for entire, horrifying photo )

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Searching for Answers Saturday

Is it really global ‘warming’…

Newly Identified Plesiosaur Swam in Cold Polar Waters
Scientists have identified a new species of ancient aquatic reptile that swam the seas when dinosaurs still ruled the Earth.
Dubbed Umoonasaurus, the creature lived in waters off the coast of what is now Australia 115 million years ago, when the continent was located much closer to Antarctica than it is now.

…or global ‘GLIDING‘ ~ the ongoing refrain from “I Feel the Earth Move Under My Feet”? Australian waters that were once polar are now balmy and NOT because of carbon fuels or the ozone depletion. Balmy because ALL of Australia left the area. Get my drift?

Pretty inconvenient if true…
I’m sure I’m not the only psuedo-scientist to have noticed, but I AM the only one clever enough to mention it. So it’s MY theory ~

GLOBAL GLIDING

~ MINE.

Dear Professor Hawking

Regarding your recent warning:

Hawking Says Humans Must Go Into Space

We thought we should save you further embarrassment and let you know…
…someone’s already out there.

Breaking News

Our crack investigative reporting has discovered this photo of ‘Grizzly’ Summers in action:

I Told You to Come Alone! So Who Are These Guys?!


My Network.”

Zeta Update

How sad is my life now? I’m starting to read the National Hurricane Center forecasts just for their little asides:

ZETA AS
A WEAKENING CYCLONE SHOULD THEN MOVE BETWEEN THE NORTHWEST AND
NORTH-NORTHWEST UNTIL DISSIPATION. AS YOU CAN SEE…I RAN OUT
THINGS TO SAY.
FORECASTER AVILA

These guys are a hoot.

Twins Separated At Birth?


Of course, they might have been triplets…

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Is King Kong Racist?

Drudge has a link to some guy’s column asserting this. I’m not convinced. My first thought is that he’s a friggin’ gorilla, and not the kind that Ken likes, either.
But what piqued my interest was this line seemingly offered as ‘proof’ of Kong’s racist ways:

Indeed, a GOOGLE search using the words “King Kong racism” yielded 490,000 hits.

Is this the new standard of veracity, especially given Wiki-invent-o-pedia’s troubles of late? If so, then allow me to present the Bingley Racist Scale…

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Breaking News: Christmas Almost Cancelled

I was just out walking on Water Street, getting some grub, and I saw Santa darn near get run over while he was jaywalking.
That’s why he needs the reindeer to lead him around; dang fool is blind as a bat.
*thanks for the correction, John!

Nobel Laureate Says World Must Abandon Nuclear Weapons

Also:

“We are in a race against time,” the 63-year-old Egyptian chief U.N. nuclear inspector Mohamed ElBaradei said about efforts to keep nuclear weapons away from terrorists. “Imagine that the only nuclear weapons remaining are the relics in our museums. Imagine the legacy we could leave to our children,” he said.
“It would also be nice if I could score some Yankees’ tickets. And a date with Anna Nicole Smith would be nice,” he added.
As ElBaradei received his peace award, Iran’s top nuclear official said his country would enrich uranium and produce nuclear fuel, despite an international drive to curb such efforts. Enolagayzee Aghazadeh, head of the Happy Atomic Organization of Iran, did not say when the processes would begin. Enolagayzee denies Iran’s nuclear program is aimed at developing weapons, but rather devices he refered to as “Kool Kafir Kleaners,” adding that the cleaning would be “da bomb.”

World Exclusive

Our intrepid team of reporters here at TPI has gotten exclusive footage of one of Ken’s liasons returning from last week’s Mystery Trip.

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BREAKING NEWS

New Orleans Mayor Trapped in Rising Floodwaters

New Orleans, LA – After claiming victory in a pitched battle for control of the city with fascist, unelected federal officials, Mayor R.A. Noggin has found himself trapped on the last short bus out of town. In a move worthy of Moses, he had stubbornly gathered his scattered citizens unto him to repopulate the Crescent City, only to find himself rapidly agreeing that buses should be used before they get wet, not after.
“I’ll be hot-damned”, Hizzoner said. “That sh$t comes up quick! And it stanks, too. Now, somebody needs to call that fat little Coast Guard admiral and tell him send a helicopter.”
General Russell Honore, when queried about the dire situation, was quoted as saying “I called in the Stupid Street address where they’re stuck. That’s as much as we can do. Stanky flood water makes it a Coast Guard show.”
Vice Admiral Thad Allen was unavailable for comment.

©2005 TOWACA PRESS INTERNATIONAL

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