Bungled Bond

Wow, what a mess this new Bond Pretty Boy seems to be:

JINXED James Bond star Daniel Craig has been hit by a nasty bout of prickly heat.
He suffered sunburn while topping up his tan before filming in the Bahamas.
New 007 Craig wanted a healthy glow for the movie, but ended up James Burned — and now can’t stop itching.
Two weeks ago he had two teeth knocked out while filming a fight scene in Prague.
Craig has revealed he can only drive an automatic car — so the traditional Aston Martin DB5 had to be converted.
And he previously confessed he doesn’t like guns, while speedboats make him feel queasy.

Heh. Doesn’t like guns?

26 Responses to “Bungled Bond”

  1. Cullen says:

    Man, I was coming around to being all right with this guy. Thinking, “Give the guy a chance and see how it goes.” But now, I’m wondering if it’s worth it.
    Doesn’t like guns. Wuss.

  2. major dad says:

    Two words can fix this.
    Timothy.
    Dalton.

  3. Nightfly says:

    He’s the first word spoken
    When you talk about spies
    But the latest gent they’ve chosen
    Has really got a soft side, soft side
    The taste of martinis
    Gets stuck in his throat
    Guns make him uneasy, easy
    And he loses it on speedboats, speedboats
    Double-O, double-O, double-O-Seven
    Double-O, double-O, double-O-Seven
    Don’t drive, don’t shoot; what does he do?
    Don’t drive, don’t shoot; what does he do?
    Subtle innuendoes follow
    Must be something inside

    They called it a dream role
    Gonna make him a star
    But sunburn and lost teeth, lost teeth
    Is all that happened so far, so far
    Those fabulous Bond girls
    Are the talk of the town
    So far he hasn’t met one, met one
    Unless they kept their clothes on, clothes on
    Double-O, double-O, double-O-Seven
    Double-O, double-O, double-O-Seven
    Don’t drive, don’t shoot; what does he do?
    Don’t drive, don’t shoot; what does he do?
    Subtle innuendoes follow
    Must be something inside

    No-one’s gonna sell me
    On all of that hype
    For years he was a movie legend
    Now he barely makes the small type, small type
    Watch a Bond with a dye job?
    The chance is remote
    I’ll wait for it on DVD
    It only costs a pound note, pound note
    Don’t drive, don’t shoot; what does he do?
    Don’t drive, don’t shoot; what does he do?
    Subtle innuendoes follow
    Must be something inside

  4. The_Real_JeffS says:

    Beautiful, Nightfly! You ought to be in Hollywood.
    I haven’t watched a Bond film in theater or on DVD for years; I think that the franchise went downhill after “From Russia With Love” (although Pierce Brosnan did a [mostly] decent job). I catch the newer flicks on the boob tube during those occasions when my (rare) desire to watch TV coincides with the scheduling of one.
    So I’ll have to wait and see if this guy has the ability to be James Bond, 007. But I have to wonder if the film will tank simply due to the pre-release publicity. C’mon, speedboats make him queasy? Give me a break!!!

  5. Cullen says:

    Oh, Maj. D … Timothy Dalton sucked. Just sucked. Perhaps it was the material because the guy can act, but those two Bond flicks were horrible.
    I really liked Craig in Layer Cake, but this news is just too much of a wussification of his image.
    The fix would have been Clive Owen.

  6. SH*T!! That wasn’t the boss, Cullen ~ that was me. I always forget to change the damn name thing.
    And TIMOTHY DALTON is a GOD.

  7. Nightfly says:

    No, no… that was Harry Hamlin, and he was half-mortal. Unless you’re thinking of this deal. Then again, he wasn’t a god either.

  8. Cullen says:

    No, no, Geoge Burns was God.

  9. The_Real_JeffS says:

    And Charlton Heston was His prophet, Moses.
    Timothy Dalton is good, but his Bond flicks were….marginal…..at best. IMHO, anyhoo.
    Best Of Bond: Sean Connery. Forever and ever, Amen.

  10. Well, yes, but Sean Connery’s 92, DUH, and it’s hard to hold your breath and scramble out of submersibles at that age.
    TIMOTHY
    DALTON
    Clive Owen is a pig.

  11. The_Real_JeffS says:

    So what if Sean Connery is 92? He’s Sean Connery fer Gawd’s sake! Get a grip, THS, we are discussing James Bond here, not some cheap home flick involving Danish goats.
    But Timothy Dalton did pretty good in Flash Gordon, so I suppose he’ll do in a pinch.

  12. NJ Sue says:

    Roger.
    Moore.
    Really, the most wonderful, self-deprecating, humorous Bond.

  13. The_Real_JeffS says:

    Mr.
    Bingley.
    [ducks out of room to avoid computer exploding]

  14. Kcruella says:

    Sean Connery

  15. Mr. Bingley says:

    Cruella will vouch, I dohave the proper chin for it…

  16. Crusader says:

    Cruella will vouch, I dohave the proper chin for it…

    And name……

  17. Mr. Bingley says:

    Although I must admit I will have to borrow someone’s Ronco Chest Toupee for the scenes with the ladies, as in spite of the consumption of countless gallons of Guinness it’s a pretty barren plain…

  18. The_Real_JeffS says:

    Mr. Bingley, the important points concerning your qualifications are:
    1. Can you drive a stick shift?
    2. Do you like firearms?
    3. Shaken or stirred?
    4. Can you make ladies swoon in ectasy by saying “My name is Bond….James Bond”?

  19. Mr. Bingley says:

    1- Yes
    2- No, I love them
    3- Shaken
    4- 3 out of 4 ain’t bad! I’m doing a lot better than the loser they hired!

  20. The_Real_JeffS says:

    I dunno, Mr. Bingley…..better practice up on #4. COuld be critical in the box office.

  21. Mr. Bingley says:

    Well, I’ll make ’em swoon, for sure…faint, collapse…

  22. major dad says:

    How in the world did Bing end up being in the same conversation as James Bond? More appropriate he be discussed in the Don Knotts post.

  23. Kcruella says:

    May Don Knotts rest in peace. I loved Mr. Limpett. Mr. Bingley is one of the most charming and debonair gentlemen I have had the pleasure of meeting. A gracious host and inspired chef as well as a doting husband and father. He may very well be a master spy, I hear he does travel alot.

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