The Coalition of the Swilling

Heheheheheheh. "RAT FARTS!"

So a beat officer is walking by a pet store on his normal rounds and decides to poke his head in the door. A parrot is perched in a cage near the door, and when he sees the officer he says "Hey buddy!"

The officer walks over to him and says "What?"

The parrot yells "FUCK YOU!"

The officer corrals the store owner and says "This is a public place and there are children in and out of the store all the time. You need to get rid of that parrot."

The owner says "I'm sorry, officer, he's never done that before. I'll work with him to make sure it doesn't happen again."

A few days later the officer is walking by the store again and steps inside. The parrot says "Hey buddy!"

The officer walks over and says "What?"

The parrot yells "FUCK YOU!"

The officer corrals the store owner again and says "I told you before, this can't be allowed to happen. If you don't get rid of that parrot, I'll have you shut down."

The owner says "Look, officer, I've been working with him and he's improving. Please, just give it a week and I promise he'll be good or he'll be gone."

A week later, the officer goes back and walks right up to the parrot. The parrot says, "Hey buddy!"

The officer looks at the parrot closely and says, "What?"

The parrot smiles at him and says, "You know what."

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did), and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

Giving her a kiss on the cheek, he then fell asleep.

When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing, white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered: "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."

Dave was stunned: "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be! I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, and Dave found himself covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking at the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought, until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad", replies Dave. "But I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm about to explode?"

"You're ovulating", explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never!" replies Dave.

"Well just relax, and let it happen", advised the rooster.

So he did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. Dave felt an immense feeling of relief sweep over him, and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When Dave laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him.... ever!!!

The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

"Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've s**t the bed...."

I heard basically the same joke years ago, but it was St. Peter playing golf with God.

Punchline:
After the ball (God's) drops from the squirrel's mouth and bounces into the hole, Peter says disgustedly to God: "Look, are you gonna play golf or screw around?"

The one I heard was Moses and Jesus... Jesus, on a dare, tells Moses that he's going to snap-hook the drive around the dogleg, with enough spin to actuall skip across the water hazard, and onto the green in one. Moses scoffs and tells him, "I'm not parting the creek for you, you're taking a drop this time."

Of course, the Lord absolutely nails the shot, and Moses is so rattled he finds the rough, then the woods, then the sand trap. Finally he gets onto the green with a chance to double-bogey, while other players try to console him.

Jesus, having watched from afar, then walks up for his tap-in double-eagle, strolling across the hazard like it's nobody's business. The other players, astounded, ask Moses, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"

"No," Moses replies, "He thinks he's Tiger Woods."