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October 31, 2008
Friday Humor
I don't know about you, but I am so tired of all this election stuff that I just want to laugh, drink, and forget about anything to do with these races. So to lighten the mood I'm going to post a bunch of great (i.e. really bad) puns that I received via email yesterday; to lighten my mood I'm going to see The Capitol Steps in Red Bank tonight.
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudal ism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
Posted by Mr. Bingley at October 31, 2008 08:02 AM
Comments
Yes, now is the time when a laugh is sorely needed. My fave was no. 14.
Posted by: Jim - PRS at October 31, 2008 08:55 AM
Ha! Bad puns! I loves 'em! Thanks!
Posted by: The_Real_JeffS at October 31, 2008 09:20 AM
While traveling through a strange land, a rabbi stayed at a small village called Trid. In the morning, he watched as the men in the village went up a nearby hill with buckets, and then rolled back down again.
"What custom is this?" he asked. The women in the village replied that it wasn't a custom at all. The men were trying to gather wild fruit from the side of the hill, but the giant who lived on the house on top would run up and kick them away when he found them.
The rabbi volunteered to help, and took a bucket, and marched up the hill. He saw the giant's house all right, but was able to go straight up to it and look inside, where the giant sat peacefully, reading a book.
He gathered his courage and knocked on the door to ask the giant, "What do you have against the townspeople? I have a full bucket of fruit and you haven't injured me at all."
The giant replied, "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids."
Posted by: nightfly at October 31, 2008 10:56 AM
The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires. So I proceeded to call him a doughnut eating Gestapo. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't really care, as I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said "Obama in 08."
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that its important to my health.
Posted by: Mr. Bingley at October 31, 2008 11:43 AM
Thanks for the humor. I'm going to print them out and send them to Dad. He loves puns, and at 89 he needs some new ones! :-)
Here's one for you:
A cop pulls over a guy and writes a ticket for speeding. When he hands the guy the ticket, the cop says, "Hey, have you been smoking marijuana? Cuz your eyes are all red."
The guy replies, "Hey, have you been eating donuts? Cuz your eyes are all glazed."
:-)
Posted by: Julie at October 31, 2008 07:26 PM
Love #5 & #14. Stolen.
Posted by: Rob at November 1, 2008 02:36 PM
KING AUTHER HAD A BUTCHER SITTING AT HIS ROUND TABLE HIS NAME WAS SIR LOIN OF BEEF.PARROT ESCAPES FROM CAGE POLLY GONE,VULTURES EAT ROADKILL FOUND IT TASTES FLAT,CAPTIAN KIRKS STAR SHIP TO BE GIVEN AWAY FREE ENTERPRISE
Posted by: Spurwing Plover at November 6, 2008 05:06 PM