From Crusader, a Marvelous Treatise

…on the wonders of a proper mater sammich and the importance of pure and unadulterated ingredients. Let there be no Cracker compromises or heresies polluting our verdant culinary tradition.

Secondly it has to have mayonnaise on it. Real mayonnaise – not “lite” or aioli or any other nasty concoction that’s low on cholesterol. Mayonnaise. Real, honest to goodness, artery clogging Hellman’s. Or Duke’s.

There is a heretic band of Southerners who claim Miracle Whip [ths note: you may have seen this particular vileness referred to here at the Swilling as "curdled cat piss"] is a sanctioned substitute, but purists turn up their nose at such a desecration of a sacred Southern staple.

8 Responses to “From Crusader, a Marvelous Treatise”

  1. Skyler says:

    Hellman’s I guess is okay, but if you’re going to insist on being such a purist, then you should make your own mayonaise.

  2. Rob says:

    There are also some who will use Blue Plate mayonnaise and some who will refrigerate the CrabAppleLane home grown tomatoes that I present to them with such humble generosity. Those people should not inform me of such crimes against humanity for they will be culled from the list with extreme prejudice.

  3. Steve Skubinna says:

    I suppose Miracle Whip must have some use – probably industrial. But it is in no way fit for human consumption. People who knowingly and willingly eat it are not fit company.

  4. I wish I lived closer, Rob.

    And there’s little to no chance of poisoning with Hellman’s, Skyler. Wish I could say the same of my own egg-based concoctions.

  5. Rob says:

    Me too, ths. I didn’t have the best season (It just got too hot too fast) but I still gave away several dozen lovely, tasty Creole and/or Celebrity tomatoes, the kind that will make you throw rocks at your grocer’s produce section.

  6. Pogria says:

    I used to buy Hellmans here in Oz. It was great, but last time I bought a jar, about a year ago, it was dreadful. They’d obviously screwed with the recipe. There’s no way I’d buy it again.
    If I haven’t had time to make my own, I buy Best Foods mayo. It’s the closest to the old Hellmans.

    The only thing I would add to your heavenly tom-ah-toe (hehe) sandwich, would be to use sour dough bread. ooooaaaarrrggghhh

  7. Mr. Bingley says:

    Hmm, the curious thing Pogria is that Best Foods is Hellmans: every jar of Hellmans here in Gringolandia says “known as Best Foods west of the Rockies.”

  8. Hellman’s IS Best Foods and best Foods IS Hellman’s. (Which is why we purchased best Foods when we lived in California.)

    Sammich away, Pogria dear! (And REAL sour dough would be delIGHTful!)

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