Mr. Bingley

…Man of Romance and Action.

A great ball is taking place. African drummers are beating out primitive rhythms. Liveried servants are passing canapés of blackened tapir and wildebeest tartar. Titled Brits, maddened by the prospect of new blood and old money, are gyrating wildly, except for Lydia, who is necking with the butler in the pantry.
MR. BINGLEY, the wealthy Londoner who has rented Netherfield Park, is chatting with Elizabeth and Jane. Elizabeth, exquisitely attuned to her gentle sister’s feelings, intuits that Jane is very much attracted to Mr. Bingley, for she is lying on the floor, clinging to his leg.

Suddenly, the noise of panicked horses is heard outside. The earth shakes as DARCY KONG, a 25-foot giant ape, outfitted in a smart coat with brass buttons and tight breeches, strides arrogantly into the room. He surveys the other guests with disdain, lifts a cut glass punch bowl to his mouth and empties it in one draught. Then he flings it into the fireplace, severing the leg of a nearby footman. Elizabeth is appalled by his rude behavior.
ELIZABETH
You’re not from around here are you?
KONG
GGGGRRRROWWWllllllll.
MR. BINGLEY
(somewhat encumbered by Jane clinging to his leg)
Permit me to translate. Mr. Kong just said, “I do not have the talent of conversing easily with strangers.”
ELIZABETH

(One of the few women of her generation to have read Giant Ape at Oxford)
ARRROOOOWWW, ARRRRGGGHH UUUGGGAUGGAAA!
MR. BINGLEY
Oh, Elizabeth, you speak Giant Ape, too? Isn’t that marvelous. Let me continue for the others: Miss Bennett just said, “Maybe you should practice.”
KONG
GROOOWWWWLLLL!!!
MR. BINGLEY
And Mr. Kong just said — I do hope I’m getting this right — “Maybe you should practice screaming, ‘Cause we’re out of here, babe.’”

One Response to “Mr. Bingley”

1. Dave J says:

   January 15, 2006 at 5:13 pm

   Having seen both Pride and Prejudice and King Kong in the space of a week, I cannot stop laughing.