Das Macht Nichts

“Thin lipped, right wing bitch” isn’t gonna sell a lot of product ~ but you get who you hire, so they must not care. No bigs. I wasn’t much of a M•A•C fan anyway. I’m still using 20 year old Dior eyeshadow.
UPDATE: Looks like we’re not the only ones who noticed.

MAC Cosmetics has injected the ick factor into its new online ad featuring Sandra Bernhard , in which the caustic comic inexplicably starts riffing about the bodily fluids of an overexcited barnyard bird. Shilling for MAC’s Plushglass lip gloss, Bernhard crows: “If I had thin lips, I could never express myself the way I’m able to express myself with a kind of passion – sexy powerpout, loudmouth, a little hyaluronic acid from a rooster’s [bleep]. Cock-a-doodle-doo!” Can you spell g-r-o-s-s?

“Ick” doesn’t begin to cover it, but it’s a start.

14 Responses to “Das Macht Nichts”

  1. DirtCrashr says:

    They evidently wanted a really big canvas.

  2. Gunslinger says:

    The last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

  3. Susanna says:

    Well, yes, and she was also terribly upset that TSA was going to take her lipgloss away, too, this week.
    F*cking snag. Trout. Grouper. Grouper!
    I’ve actually never bought from MAC because I hate the way they treat me. They’ve got this hateful, condescending Goth/stripper bullshit manner about them.
    They stand around, looking pained and bored with 1/4″ of spackle applied to their piefaces with a trowel and without the LEAST bit of irony they attempt to peddle you a simultaneously “natural, yet dramatic” look.
    Barf. Back the f*ck off, or I will sic my attack Pug on you.
    A very good friend of mine is a professional NY makeup artist (like a real pro, gets paid the big bucks to paint slap on celebrities) and she is endlessly apologetic for the way MAC (and most makeup bitches) treat CUSTOMERS. (Hello? Paying CUSTOMERS?!) Fortunately she just tells me what to buy and I mail order it or go to Nordstrom. And fortunately there isn’t much I buy. Because it’s insulting.
    Gents, be grateful for your Speed Stick. Gilette razors and Crest. The rest of it is a nightmare. Buying it should be, like, fun? It’s so ridiculously expensive, most of it, and there’s no thrill.
    (Okay, you guys can wake up now.)

  4. Lisa says:

    Most of the high-end stuff like M.A.C. and Bobbi Brown are only marginally better than your average L’oreal and your Cover Girl nowadays, as per The Cosmetic Cop.
    But that doesn’t stop me from coveting a Sephora.
    Arkansas sucks.

  5. Cindermutha says:

    Yack! That was scary. MAC didn’t appear to help her any.
    My all time favorite eyeshadow was a Dior quad of four different irridescent whites, that reflected different colors. Hard to explain, but it was so cool. I think I bought mine over 20 years ago.

  6. Susanna says:

    Lisa, Sephora was fun the first time in Las Vegas and South Coast Plaza. The employees there were inclined to have some fun with you and it was very much a circus-y adventure. Lively, bright, fun.
    But the robots here at Sephora are a nightmare. Robots in black who paint themselves in the mirrors and don’t look up at you while you are standing IN their personal space begging for their attention so you can spend too much money on something. Bleh.
    I hope when you do get to a Sephora it’s a big, fun one. That’s the way it was meant to be.

  7. Ah, the South Coast Plaza Nordie’s…quiet moment of fond reflection…better now. Kcruella and I knew the Dior and Chanel counters entirely too well when we both were gainfully employed. Our favorite make-up artist was a delicious young guy named Raul for Chanel (I loved him, not nuts about the make-up) ~ even if he just spotted us traisping through the store on our way into the mall, he’d bark for us to come over and then proceed to redo everything we thought we’d done perfectly. Last I heard, he’d made it to be their national artist ~ he sure deserved it. We could say we knew him when…

  8. Susanna says:

    I knew a hetero makeup artist for Chanel named Chris in Atlanta at Neiman Markup. Same thing – hated the makeup, but liked Chris and his wife Lisa who also worked there. And their boxer named Stevie Ray. They had been brought down South from Boston. They were loud and brash and Italian and their voices would echo off the glass and the three-story atrium.
    I once told him I didn’t like the Chanel stuff (which I pronounced “channel”) and he wanted to know what the Hell I was going to buy instead. I sheepishly said, “I dunno… Clinique?” And he started ranting:
    “CLINIQUE?! That crap smells like CRACK ROCK cooking! You can’t walk around this town smelling like CRACK ROCK cooking!”
    Chanel seems to hire the good ones.

  9. DirtCrashr says:

    I like the makup chicks at Stanford Shopping center, they wear this black outfit and have basically obliterated all trace of themselves under a layer of concrete-dust. The only distinguishing features are nostril and eye-holes in a flattened canvas of a face. It’s a kind of high-end Euro clientele at the shops, least they are pretty French and full with themselves…

  10. The_Real_JeffS says:

    The last time I saw that sort of touting of lips was a movie starring Linda Lovelace…….

  11. That 1 Guy says:

    Damn, she’s hot!

  12. That 1 Guy says:

    Okay, okay… I can’t stop grinning.
    I can’t stand that woman!

  13. Kcruella says:

    Sigh, no more MAC and I did love the eye pencils. I never went into the MAC store, they were miserable b*tches. C’mon you’re shilling makeup for about 8.00 honey, get over yourself. I always got it at Nordstrom’s where they seemed to brainwash them into the Nordstrom’s suck up to the cutomer or die way. Love Sephora but always get overwhelmed and glassy eyed at the choices.

  14. QUIT TORTURING me with Sephora references you guys!!!
    (Ten times fast to myself ~ “I LOVE the Third World, I LOVE the Third World…”)
    OMG DC, you are hiLARious!!

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