Dear Mr. al-Mashhadani,

Please allow me to take this opportunity to congratulate you on your brilliant piece of intelligence analysis. Both Secretary Rumsfeld and myself are deeply impressed by your keen ability to piece together seemingly divergent pieces of information and get to the key issues at hand. Of course, we know that the usual chorus of robotic, unthinking defenders will rise up and attack your good name and deeds, but please rest assured that Secretary Rumsfeld and myself place very great stock in both your analysis

“These acts are not the work of Iraqis. I am sure that he who does this is a Jew and the son of a Jew.”

and the obvious conclusions that we can draw from it, and we shall act upon it immediately.
Firstly, we have determined the location of the three living Jews still in Iraq. Please be assured that we are even now moving to spirit them out of the country tonight so they can cause no more harm.
Secondly, the above being accomplished and, as you say, since the acts of terror are not (indeed, can not be) the work of Iraqis, we are, effective immediately, removing all Coalition personnel from any and all security duties, including, of course, providing protection for any and all members of the Iraqi Parliament, protecting infrastructure, patrolling streets, so on and so on; heck, we will probably pull all of them completely out of the country. We share your confidence that, having removed the aforementioned 3 Jews (who in fact are, as you said, a Jew and the son of a Jew, plus a cousin of theirs who was visiting from Pittsburgh; dang, you’re good) the Iraqis will return to their peaceful ways, and the streets and markets will be happy places once again, especially with visionaries such as yourself for the people to look up to.
Anyhow, thanks again,

2 Responses to “Dear Mr. al-Mashhadani,”

  1. I happen to disagree with the local RWDB host on this particular point, but it is entirely possible I will be persuaded. His position is rather simple: that we were right to go into Iraq, but rather than sticking around, we should have just killed a lot more people (primarily Arab men between the ages of 20 and 35 holding weapons, but not excluding anyone else unfortunately caught in the crossfire) the left, saying “Don’t fuck it up or we will come back and kill a lot more.”
    I’m still not convinced that’s the right thing to do, but every time an Iraqi politician opens his mouth it becomes more convincing.

  2. Kathy K says:

    Yeah – Ken, I’m beginning to think the same. And the we should have gone to Iran and done the same thing… and Syria.
    Actually, my original thinking was that we should have gone from Afghanistan, through Iran, into Iraq (removing a bunch of mullahs and the Ayatollah on the way). But no one listens to me…

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