Family Values

Alright, I’m an old fuddy-duddy. But this just sickens me.

An East Texas college student finally learned why she’d gained weight and was having abdominal pain — she was about to give birth.
Annie Cohen was three days shy of 19 on the morning of June 16 when, after a night of tossing and turning, she walked out into her yard to try to catch some winks in her neighbor’s swing seat.
“I had been having pains for about a week,” the Marshall, Texas, woman told The News-Journal of neighboring Longview. “I thought maybe it was the bed, so I went outside to lay in the swing.”
She didn’t even make it that far. Instead, Cohen, already the mother of a 3-year-old, figured out she was in labor and grabbed the pole of her own swing set.
“It was one big push for the baby and a little one for the placenta,” Annie Cohen told the newspaper.
“It was like a natural instinct,” marveled her mother, Julie Cohen. “She knew to push to turn the baby’s shoulder and to get the baby out.”
After the delivery, Annie Cohen ran inside, yelling at her mother to call 911.
“I said ‘Why?'” recounted Julie Cohen. “She said, ‘There’s a baby in the yard.’ I said, ‘Whose is it?’ She said, ‘It’s mine.'”

Yes, isn’t my special little angel so great? 19 years old, already has a 3 year old, out and about getting knocked up and doesn’t realize it (“It’s a big surprise,” said Julie Cohen. “I thought she was just really liking her pizza.”), pops out the baby in the front yard and leaves it there to go inside.
WTF is up with these people?

16 Responses to “Family Values”

  1. Ken Summers says:

    “That’s odd. I haven’t had a period in 9 months and I seem to be bloating. What’s up wi… ooh! donuts”

  2. Ken Summers says:

    Seriously, as much as anything else in this, I am bothered by “There’s a baby in the yard”

  3. Ken Summers says:

    And this dumb chick somehow got into college

  4. Mr. Bingley says:

    Well look, I think it’s admiable that she has some semblence of sense to realize that she should go to college and try and improve her station. But to seemingly continue in the habits that landed her a motherhood position 3 years ago? And to have mom think everything is neat and cute?

  5. red says:

    Yeah, really, God forbid young single mothers try to improve their position and get an education! Can’t have that!
    I’m shocked, though, at how the mother “marvels”. What a funny editorial choice by the writer. It so stood out, like: Ma’am, stop marveling. First of all: Birth is the ultimate “natural instinct”. I mean, sure, it’s a great thing, and a cool thing, but it’s nothing to “marvel” over. Whether or not you are ready, when the baby comes, it comes. Women have been doing this for thousands of years.
    WEIRD. Sounds like a very very weird family dynamic.

  6. Mr. Bingley says:

    Very very weird, indeed.

  7. red says:

    Also, there is the unfortunate phrase in the article: “she grabbed the pole of her own swing set” … It just brings up all kinds of images I don’t really want to contemplate.

  8. Ken Summers says:

    Um, folks, you misunderstood. I am flabbergasted that someone apparently bright enough to get into college (or even survive to the age of 19 without walking into a propeller or something) doesn’t know she’s pregnant, especially when she’s already had one.
    I’m afraid that baby may not stand much of a chance.

  9. Mr. Bingley says:

    My wife used to get stomach cramps from certain pizza parlors, so maybe her mom had a point, too.

  10. red says:

    Ken – Oh. Yes, sorry – I definitely misunderstood.
    I’m always amazed in cases like this how people rationalize away the weight gain. I mean … pregnancy is very different from your basic “I ate too much pizza” weight gain. I’ve felt the pregnant bellies of my friends. That don’t feel like lack-of-ab-exercises fat. Totally different. Has to be so much denial going on – I don’t get it.
    I know, though, that there have been cases where women do continue to have their periods throughout their pregnancy – for some reason. Don’t know the reason why, but it is a possibility.
    Still: a pregnant belly can hardly masquerade as anything else unless you are in deep denial.
    Like: sweetheart, maybe you need to stop “grabbing poles” and concentrate on your schoolwork and mothering the child you already have???

  11. Ken Summers says:

    Heh. I think your last sentence pretty well summarizes the entire situation.

  12. Mr. Bingley says:

    Hahaha, very well put red. She needs to leave the “schving” set, methinks.

  13. Amos says:

    She must have been pretty fat for no one to notice she was pregnant. That means somebody was having sex with a fat chick!! AAH!

  14. Habib says:

    We have plenty of them here- they’re known as “bogans”. I think in your own strange vernacular they’re “hillbillies”, “white trash” or “Oprah fans”. Just as well she was on the couch and not playing football at the time- the little tacker could have wound up being converted for the extra point.

  15. The Real JeffS says:

    I don’t think I’d insult hillbillies or white trash that way, Habib. This bimbo makes them look good. “Oprah fan” is more appropriate, but I can’t offer better suggestions here — it’s a family oriented forum. Mostly.

  16. Mr. Bingley says:

    Er, whatever, Amos. I’ll assume that was an attempt at humor.

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