How Do You Avoid Those Ugly Holiday Family Fracases

at Gramma’s? You know, the sister-in-law who drives an Excursion, the pig brother-in-law who is a methane well-head or Grampa who just knows what buttons to push, cranky old bastard that he is and who should be dead by now anyway if he had any decency? Not to mention your basic hardened capitalist versus…well…you ~ the tree hugger home from college in California/Washington/any liberal arts U? Don’t fret, gentle readers. Besides green tips and reviewing books like “Sex in a Tent”, the Sierra Club has thoughtfully provided your talking points for conflict diffusion/resolution dialogue.

…“We’ll see how much we can avoid a dinner table argument this year,” Ms. Roby, 22, said. “There’s always that uncle or grandfather who knows what you care passionately about and is going to say anything he can to rile you up.”
Dr. Wallin said that environmental activists can avoid arguments by trying to lead by example, not by lecture. “Don’t force them to change,” she said. “It may take two or three seasons, but you are not going to get anywhere by showing up and thumbing your nose.”
(Anxious greens can consult the Sierra Club’s Web site, which provides actual scripts to recite during dinner-table debates. For example, when “Aunt Mim” shrugs off global warming, the activist might respond:

“A delicate balance has been thrown out of whack, and the consequences are really rather frightening. At this pace, Mim, we could see an ice-free Arctic by midcentury.”)

(Delicately leaving out the obvious point that sanctimonious old bitch ‘Aunt Mim’ should damn well be dead by mid-century anyway if there’s any warm global justice.)
I guarantee you that, should you utter these sensible, non-inflammatory words, Gramps will get off your ass, Dad will be thrilled with every one of the tens of thousands he’s already spent on your education, look eagerly forward to the next tuition bill and Aunt Mim herself will recognize the second coming in your idiot savant 22 year old brain. Guaranteed.

And no one will yell at anyone any more ever again.

4 Responses to “How Do You Avoid Those Ugly Holiday Family Fracases”

  1. Gunslinger says:

    The global warming kooks are soon going to make Scientologists look sane.

  2. The_Real_JeffS says:

    Duct tape sales ought to be skyrocketing about now.

  3. Kate P says:

    Wow, she basically implied that her relatives who get her “riled up” do so only b/c they want to attack what she “cares so passionately about.” That’s right, honey, it’s a personal attack whenever someone disagrees with you. You probably also take it personally when you don’t get a hug after they unwrap those fabulous CD clocks.

  4. ricki says:

    Good grief.
    Seriously – can people not get over themselves for one day? I have relatives I disagree pretty passionately about over certain things, but, when I get together with them – I don’t mention those things. Or, if they come up, I try to change the subject or run out to the kitchen to see if I can “help” whoever is cooking…

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