I Beginning to Believe One Shouldn’t Leave the Beach

…without a RAY GUN.

A Lighthouse Point man is in critical condition this morning, a day after authorities say a stingray jumped onto his boat and stabbed him in the chest, leaving a foot-long barb stuck in him.
Eighty-one-year-old James Bertakis was boating with his grown granddaughter and her friend yesterday afternoon when the rare attack occurred.
…Authorities say Bertakis suffered a closed chest wound, collapsed lung and may have to undergo open-heart surgery.
Firefighters say the roughly five-foot wide, 30 pound stingray died on the boat.

Good Lord! I’m even keeping an eye on the drain in the shower. I mean, you just never know.
UPDATE: I’m frightened. Judging by the anecdotal evidence pouring in from Swillers across the country (See the comments…if you DARE!), I am going to have to change my mind and BELIEVE that…there is more to this fish story than meets the eye.
I am going to become…a


4 Responses to “I Beginning to Believe One Shouldn’t Leave the Beach”

  1. Mike Rentner says:

    I don’t know how important this is, but I happened to be walking along the beach the other day and saw a guy wearing a dishdasha installing mind control devices on sting rays.

  2. Bwaaahahaha!! And you didn’t SHOOT him?!
    You coulda saved this old guy a sucking chest wound, Mike!

  3. Hucklebuck says:

    Wake up, people! These aren’t random attacks. FISH are attacking FISHERMEN. This is just the vanguard of a species-ist uprising of terrifying proportions. There was a opossum in my garage last week! My cat pissed over the edge of her box two days ago! You think that’s just a coincidence?

  4. Mr. Bingley says:

    My god, Hucklebuck. I believe you are on to something. My dog has been looking at me with those Cujo-esque eyes of his; in my innocent hubris I ascribed it gratitude for the extra dabble of kibble I had provided, but now that you’ve connected the dots…

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