I Give My All To My State

Give ’til it hurts, people; that’s my credo. While some people might choose to spend their non-Californian vacation philosophizing from the couch under the influence of a heady mix of Cheez-Doodles and Lake Como fumes I made a conscious decision to once again sacrifice myself for my state, my New Jersey.

Settle back children and let me explain. We’ve been been having a severe bout of dry weather, with no measurable rain for the past four weeks and, as of last Wednesday, none forecast of any note for this week that we are currently in the midst of. What to do? Sit idly by whilst my beloved Garden State emparchifies to an extra brown crispytude? No!

The situation called for action, and not the “I-won’t-rest-until-the-damn-hole-is-plugged-aside-from-my-three-vacations-and-7-rounds-of-golf” type of “action.” No Sirree folks, I’m talking Smart Action™, the kind that shows that over-heated trollop Gaia what’s what.

How to get it to rain…hmmm. Obviously, plan a week-long event that requires good weather. And not only plan it, but truly commit to it so that Gaia really believes that ruining the event would be crushing. Ah, she’s almost too easy.

My plan had multiple levels: I took this whole week off. I got tee-times for every day. I power washed the deck in preparation for staining it. And I bought a couple of gallons of stain. Layer upon layer of subterfuge, all earnestly played out by Yours Truly.

Behold, my friends, what 10 am this morning brought:

We are now under a flood watch.

Mind you, I’m at 200′ or so above sea level, so it would be one hell of a flood, but the point is Gaia fell for it hook, line and sinker.

How to celebrate my triumph for my Jersey? What small token should I bestow upon myself as a modest tribute to my efforts?

As I was meandering through the Foodtown in Red Bank I heard my name being called…”Bingley…Bingley…BINGLEY!!!. I, I couldn’t resist. I know that I should have, I know-know-know that when I hear little voices calling out to me it’s generally a really bad idea to listen to them.

But I could not say no

Nearly 2 pounds of Angussy porterhouseian goodness. I feel really badly about spending this much money just on myself, but I find some consolation in the fact that this meal would cost me over $70 in a restaurant.

Ok, that’s a lie. I find some consolation and a hell of a lot of joy in the fact that I am going to eat this whole steak by myself and wash it down with a nice bottle of wine.

All in the service of New Jersey.

18 Responses to “I Give My All To My State”

  1. A Deer says:

    Hey! You got more impatiens! I’ll call my friends and we’ll be right over.

  2. Gunslinger says:

    My home state of Pennsylvania thanks you as well. It look like they are finally getting a good soaking.

  3. Mr. Bingley says:

    I share the benefits of my munificence, Guns.

    We’ve got a bit o’monsoon going on right now.

    And a glass of red in my hand…

  4. Fausta says:

    We were heading down the turnpike in the middle of the Monsoon of 2010 today – traffic slowed to 25 mph.

  5. Mr. Bingley says:

    It actually started raining at 9 or so…just as I was making a bogey on #12 at Charleston Springs North. It was a very wet last 6 holes…

  6. Mr. Bingley says:

    Hope your drive was ok, Fausta!

  7. Fausta says:

    Yes, it went well, even if hair-raising, thanks!

  8. Mr. Bingley says:

    Sorry if I provoked Gaia a little too much!

  9. Fausta says:

    To the contrary, we thank you for ending the short drought!

  10. Dave E. says:

    Well done, Mr. B. And I’m guessing that as long as your indulgences continue to be “no tail” then all will be fine.

  11. Kate P says:

    Sorry about your tee times & deck plans–you must not have gotten lightning this morning the way we did in Philly, or you wouldn’t have been out with a golf club in your hand. I think.

  12. Mr. Bingley says:

    “Tail” would cause nothing but problems at this stage, Dave!

    And embarrassment too…

  13. Cullen says:

    Are you going to/did you use the Alton Brown method for the porterhouse?

  14. Gary from Jersey says:

    Oh. So you’re responsible for my dog abluting in the living room instead of getting drenched last night. You owe me some paper towels.

    PS. As an Alert Reader, you probably know Trader Joe’s is opening in that Shrewsbury shopping center that likes to catch fire. Good food there too, but beware big red trucks with hoses.

  15. Mr. Bingley says:

    I’m not familiar with Alton’s method, Cullen; I just went lots of Montreal.

  16. Mr. Bingley says:

    Gary, Claude was not reallllll happy with my rainmaking either.

    I’ve heard about Trader Joes, but I must confess that as I’ve never stepped foot in one the sense of excitement is somewhat less than palpable. What’s their claim to fame?

  17. nightfly says:

    Personally, I don’t mind that the pupperkins was hesitant about going outside. My lawn was already yellow.

    Hope you enjoyed the porterhouse. As for the golf, I say keep going. I don’t think the heavy stuff is going to blow in for another couple of hours.

  18. Dr Alice says:

    Trader Joe’s is great. Basically they could be described as a “gourmet grocery store” but with much lower prices. Wait till you see their wine section, Mr. B. And their frozen dinners, soups, etc. aren’t half bad either. Their vitamin and supplement section is fantastic – not that I recommend people dosing themselves with fistfuls of supplements, but the prices are fair and quality very good. If someone needs Coenzyme Q10 or similar for migraines, I always send them to Trader Joes.

    Last but not least: their flyers are hilarious, with puns and in-jokes and illustrated with old style etchings.

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