Lock Your Doors, Folks

There is evil afoot

Officers have received two complaints in the past week about a man who seems desperate to suck women’s toes – whether they want him to or not.

“We want him off the streets,” said Conway police spokesman LaTresha Woodruff.

Indeed you do, Officer LaTresha.

Friends, I hesitate, nay, I shudder to mention this, but for your own protection you simply must be appraised of the heinous nature of the crimes this podiphile is committing:

Last Saturday, Ruth Harris, 83, told police she was sitting in a chair in front of her apartment when a man approached and said he liked her feet. According to a police report, the man took off one of her shoes and began sucking on her toe.

May the forces of the Public Constabulary swiftly bring this beast to Justice.

17 Responses to “Lock Your Doors, Folks”

  1. Gary from Jersey says:

    She said, “I’ll give you an hour to stop that.”

  2. Syd B. says:

    Well there’s nothing like an 83 year old’s big toe in your mouth to get the juices flowing. Call the toe truck!

  3. JeffS says:

    Legally, the toe guy doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

  4. Mr. Bingley says:

    Quite flip-flopping on this issue, Jeffs! This has the makings of a major sandal!

  5. Syd B. says:

    Major sandal! Golden, I tell ya.

  6. tree hugging sister says:

    Like that romantic old song says, “She had rings on her fingers and Whats-His-Name on her toes…

  7. Rob says:

    Last seen roaming the sidelines at the New Meadowlands.

  8. Ave says:

    Toe Envy? Appendage Anxiety? Digit Derangement? Whatever, I hope they quarantine the guy a good long time at the CDC because he must have some AWFUL stuff going on in his mouth.

  9. Rob says:

    Cheese or jam?

  10. Mr. Bingley says:

    I seem to recall you running into a guy like this in the WTC many years ago, Ave…

  11. aelfheld says:

    Dick Morris slipped his leash?

  12. Ave says:

    Golly, I had forgotten – that was the creep who tickled my right inside ankle on the steep up escalator at the 57th Street subway station. I turned around and yelled “cut it out”! I bet THS would’ve had the presence of mind to kick the guy right back down that steep escalator, which is what I should’ve done.

  13. JeffS says:

    Sounds like that creep kneeded a knee in the face, Ave.

  14. Dave E. says:

    I’m sure they will nail him any time now.

  15. Ave says:

    Yes JeffS! Someone press the rewind button, now I know what to do!

  16. Larry says:

    I wonder now, if the guy had been giving foot massages instead of being toe-tongued, would we be hearing about this?

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