Pardon Me While I Barf

The Scientoiletgists aren’t just a bunch of ego-intense nutjobs.
Really they’re not:

TOM Cruise is the new “Christ” of Scientoiletgy, according to leaders of the cult-like religion.
The Mission: Impossible star has been told he has been “chosen” to spread the word of his faith throughout the world.
And leader David Miscavige believes that in future, Cruise, 44, will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion.
A source close to the actor, who has risen to one of the church’s top levels, said: “Tom has been told he is Scientoiletgy’s Christ-like figure.
“Like Christ, he’s been criticised for his views. But future generations will realise he was right.”
Cruise joined the Church of Scientoiletgy in the ’80s. Leader L Ron Hoover claimed humans bear traces of an ancient alien civilisation.

I simply don’t know where to begin.
Update: I see Emily was way ahead of me on this.

9 Responses to “Pardon Me While I Barf”

  1. Mike Rentner says:

    Isn’t that Hubbard, not Hoover?

  2. mojo says:

    …will be worshiped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion.
    Folks worship Jesus? Really? For “raising awareness of the religion”?
    Which religion? Wasn’t he a jew?
    I’m so confused. Maybe my MindHead advisor can straighten out the kinks in my aura…

  3. DirtCrashr says:

    I know where to begin, a couple of two-by-fours and some nails.

  4. Mr. Bingley says:

    Yeah, I was making a Frank Zappa reference, Mike. Anyhow, the Scientoiletgists have a history of harassing the poop out of anyone who dares to question them, so i’m just changing a name or two to mess up their google searches.

  5. Cullen says:

    I still claim this gives us justification to nail him to a tree.

  6. mojo says:

    “You know, we killed the last guy who showed up claiming to be God. And WE STILL KNOW WHERE THE NAILS ARE!”

  7. Emily says:

    Mr. B. — you should probably consider doctoring David Miscamidget’s name as well.
    “…for his work to raise awareness of the religion.”
    Oh, he deserves a friggin’ award for his efforts. More people than ever know what a crock of shit ruse that “religion” is thanks to him.

  8. Gunslinger says:

    Let’s drop him in the middle of the Pacific. He shouldn’t have a problem walking across the water.

  9. colin says:

    If you are going to compare the compact and recently pudgy one with Christ the least he can do is rise from the dead.
    The Sci’s make him sound more like a successful tourist bureau than the son of God.

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