‘Searching for Answers’ Friday

Stuff bugs me sometimes.

It just does. Like, why do four sheets of two ply toilet paper feel like so much less than 8 sheets of one ply manipulated into a cushy little cloud? I’d much rather have the one ply and it bugs the sh*t out of me when the shelf has only two ply. Indulgent a$$holes (literally) buy two ply to show their complete disregard for the environment ~ celebrate their prosperity. I read the dang label of every single thing I buy and I can count sheets there, Kimberly Clark. Of course, the commissary and every other retailer feeds into this abomination. There’s one brand, schmaybe two, of one ply and fifteen choices of the other. Pi$$es me off.
And then there’s the stacks of cassettes, National Geographics, 8 tracks and laser discs piled on the garage floor that have kept us company since the mid-80’s. What to do, what to do. I checked eBay about the LD’s, but they’re going for $1.99 ~ hardly worth listing. They’re out there exposed on the concrete ~ in the way on purpose ~ because I am loathe to put them in yet another box for yet another decade ere they see the light of day and we start the drill anew. Frozen in indecision, just like the last four times. I try mightily to wage war against my genetic hoarding instincts and fail miserably nine times out of ten. At least I don’t have any cats, or I’m sure I’d make the papers.
Then there’s the hand-me-down Scottie ~ who still has all his male…accoutrements…with all their associated nasty habits. He’s known as the Stealth Piddler. I’ve called the amiable Dr. Bill, surgical knife slicer extraordinaire…and feel guilty, guilty, GUILTY. Sh*t. Why couldn’t the little guy just appreciate the new digs instead of mark them…CONSTANTLY. Labradorks don’t do that. Is it a Napoleanic complex? Sh*t. Oh, well, done deal now.
And the frickin’ backwoods, Third World gomers in this town just frost my chops. (Actually, it’s an insult to the Third World to compare the two.) If we were any closer to civilization, we wouldn’t have this problem but, since we’re not, they rise up like hoards of Formosan termites at the slightest whiff of progress and chew on it ’til it dissolves like two ply paper in the Main Street sewer plant.

25 Responses to “‘Searching for Answers’ Friday”

  1. Mr. Bingley says:

    Hmm, scientists report that Gaia’s hot flashes are particularly strong in Banglacola.

  2. The_Real_JeffS says:

    Well, THS, you could always use the National Geographic in lieu of the 2 ply paper. A bit stiff, but doable.
    The laser discs could be used as impromptu Frisbees….take ’em along on your next weekend outing!
    The cassettes and 8 tracks are a different matter of course, being less aerodynamic in nature. Perhaps the 8-tracks could be used as paperweights? Or you could buy an 8-tracker player to listen to them again. Same for the cassettes. Play ’em until they break!
    The Scottie and the Third World gomers…..gotta think about that. For that, I need more coffee. Later!

  3. Mike Rentner says:

    Ya know, some things are just beyond the political discussion. Using toilet paper is not one of them. Here’s an area where we’ll disagree, THS. I like using toilet paper for its intended purposes. I use it quite frequently. I have my preferences of style, you have yours, and our reasons are our own. It’s a bit much to complain about the type of toilet paper people use. It’s a job that must be done.
    I might suggest installing a bidet if the use of toilet paper is so crucial to you. It even does a better job. I’m tempted to install one myself.
    I’m not a vet, but I’ve been told that once a male dog reaches maturity, their marking behavior is set and castrating them no longer modifies that behavior. It’s the same with people. If you were to remove your husband’s testicles now, he’d still like to paint pictures of naked women on his helicopters. 🙂 But if you had done it before he was a teenager, he’d never have wanted to marry you.
    By the way, those helicopter pictures are really making the rounds in the emails. You know, those people that send copies of every email they get to everyone they’ve ever met.

  4. Oh, heck yeah, Mike. And color me astonished when I got that first one! My only concern is that someone misinterprets them as this round of Gulf action. Lordy, the howls will reach the rafters ~ Marines are animals and this proves it. So I try to politely do my bit to a) attribute them to the proper source: major dad b) let folks know the time frame, so they don’t start getting used for lefty propaganda purposes.
    As for toilet paper, it’s not a USAGE discussion, you gooberhead, it’s a PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTIC/ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT/RETAIL SHELF SPACE HOGGING rant. Sheesh. Every time I think there’s hope for you…
    Research leads me to believe there’s a 50/50 shot at reduction of nasty habits sans gonads (the technical term). Plus, they’re healthier, so they say. Dr. Bill was certainly cheerful on the phone a moment ago.
    Jeff ~ re: National Geographic ~ that’s about the flex factor of the toilet paper in the U.K.. I remember the first loo in Scotland ~ when I grabbed a handful for my leaking nose, I thought “what kind of idiot puts WAX PAPER in the bathroom?!”
    Bingley BASTARD !!.

  5. Crusader says:

    Wow, the hoarding gene strikes again……
    But I can proudly say I have been able to fit 2 cars in my 2 car garage for the last few years, and just recently was able to create an actual workbench to build my models on, instead of working on top of our chest-freezer. The CAG is still pushing for more disposals, but baby steps, baby steps…..

  6. Oh, yeah, you’re so perfect. I had a single garage that I could park the car in, too until a certain somebody partner in crime went to a certain storage facility with me…

  7. John says:

    THS – you know that the reason I call my site what I do is becuase I had to use old issues of Pravda (the real one) and Izvestia while working on the SSO?
    Since then, 2-ply, 1-ply, doesn’t matter. In the words of Yakov Smirnov: “toilet paper, what a concept”.

  8. Crusader says:

    I can neither confirm nor deny that story.

  9. Rob says:

    I’m with Mike again, ths. I kinda thought you were pondering metaphysics, too.

  10. Mike Rentner says:

    I’d say 50% is good enough to castrate a dog if it’s ruining furniture. As much as I love dogs, they don’t understand the money involved!
    As for the toilet paper . . .
    1. It’s important to continue to conquer nature by harvesting trees, damming rivers, and cracking oil molecules. TP on grocery shelves is a way to celebrate our ability to dominate the environment and be masters of the world.
    2. The number of plies is irrelevent. It’s the thickness of the mass you use on each application and the number of applications that matters. Someone is just as likely to be frugal with 2-ply as they are with 1-ply.
    3. Trees grow back. Just like other farmed plants. It’s a good thing.
    4. Use wet wipes. They’re even better. I got addicted to them overseas. Far superior to dry paper.

  11. Rob says:

    We’re dangerously close to overshare, Mike.

  12. Thank you, John.
    Rob, this Vulcan mind meld thing is worrying.
    Frugal with two ply is still twice as much, Mike. And I thought so, too. Dr. Bill’s assurances about his immediate condition post-snippage were heartening. Nothing like the descriptions I’ve heard from major dad and others about their poor poochies and what they suffered through. Things have really advanced, thank goodness. I was all prepared to nurse a sick dog for a week.

  13. Crusader says:

    Glad you said it, Rob.

  14. And he was picking on me!

  15. Mike Rentner says:

    THS, I’ve never known you to be so poor at math. But since I’ve been accused of over-share, I’ll leave it at that! 🙂

  16. The_Real_JeffS says:

    THS, I guess you never used German toilet paper, have you? Thin and sandpaper rough. I’ll take wax paper over sandpaper any day.
    Or maybe you can take a page from Sylvester Stallone:
    “How’s that damn three seashell thing work?”

  17. Nope! Never been there, but I do remember learning how to walk with a whole roll in my shoe when heading out to the ville in the Philipines.

  18. major dad says:

    What am I married to? Don’t worry fans I’ll make her a strong caparinia (forgive me if that is spelled wrong Bing) tonight.

  19. Faith says:

    I say don’t let your right hand know what the left hand is doing, and put that fire-hazard stuff out for recycling.
    You’ll never miss it…

  20. Faith says:

    but do it Monday:)

  21. Oh Faith ~ OMG, I’m dying here!!! {8^P

  22. laserdiscs make great mobiles – just string them on some fishing line, make some sort of rack to hang them from… and stick them where they’ll catch the sun.
    (I should write a book – Decorating on a Trailer Park Budget…). 😀

  23. Faith says:

    If a big wind hit my house, I’d get fined for littering- & I recycle all the time…
    so I should talk:p

  24. Kcruella says:

    I think THS needs a trip north to civilization. Leave the dogs at home w/ Major Dad and hit a few shows and get some dunkin donuts and dirty water hot dogs. While you’re gone, he can clean out the garage and that includes the 20 years of SI he has.

  25. Dave J says:

    THS, does Holly know about any of this? I’m sure she could fix it it all with one snap of her fingers, or something. 😉

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