Just When You’ve Thought You’ve Seen It All
You come upon something like this
(BELLEVUE, OH) — Police say a man in Bellevue, Ohio was caught on tape having sex with a picnic table.
Bellevue Police Captain Matt Johnson says Art Price, Jr., 40, was seen on four occasions between the hours of 10:30 a.m. and noon having sex with his picnic table. What makes this a felony, Johnson says, is that it took place in close proximity to a school, which made it likely that children could have seen Price.
The neighbor — who wishes to remain anonymous — saw Price walk out onto his deck, stand a round metal table on its side and use the hole in the umbrella to have sex.
The most recent instance took place March 14, we’re told. A neighbor videotaped Price.
My goodness.
Fun | Mr. Bingley | 
March 31, 2008 8:35 am
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Isn’t that just a typical Saturday night for Ken?
Did he at least buy dinner for the table or a few drinks to loosen him/her…um…it up?
How sharper than a serpent’s tooth is an ungrateful child.
Me, I was thinking that NJ is a lot closer to OH than is CA.
Yeah, and that’s what worries me, Jeff.
“Sex with Furniture” was a topic on Weird Al’s fake daytime talk show, “Town Talk,” in the movie UHF.
When real life imitates UHF, it’s time to stock up on canned goods and ammo.
I heard about this on the radio Friday night… The version they described on the radio was even a shade weirder. They made it sound as if the person with the video camera was a willing participant — recording the guy “warming up” with a different table inside his house — and not just some upset neighbor.
Oh man. Blast from the past
Y’all be all over a guy doing a horse or vice versa. Someone takes your ‘safe-sex’ message seriously and WHAMMO! Y’all givin’ him hell, too. Fascist hypocrits.
So. . . in this case, does “being safe” involve a checkered tablecloth?
Hey, I think this guy may have latent homersexy’all tendencies involving homeless irishmen.
After all, he’s been caught doinkin’ Paddy O’Furniture.
I’m just wondering…was it a wood table, plastic, or metal? All I can picture is some guy running through a park screaming, “I’ve got splinters in my peepee! Help! Help!”
Wondering while I read the start of it. lol. My fingers do be faster than me brain at times.
Well, Ebola, that’s what happens when you stick a fruit wood into a redwood…
Yeah, hang around long enough and you cedar strangest things.
does “being safe” involve a checkered tablecloth
Only if you can afford the expensive ones. Usually people opt for the plain brown wrapper version.
And I’m surprised no one’s thought to mention…
Woodpecker.
Woodpecker? Sounds like someone needs a good piece of ash.
And not a Twiggy looking one.
Elm mention it to some folks I know, then we can watch the fir fly. That sound oakay?
That’s quite enough out of yew.
Ken has tulips he could use.
Didn’t Blondie sing “Pine way or an alder…”?
Don’t beech just because I took the good jokes. Keep pining away, my friend.
He said he always wanted to drive a sequoia.
That’s oakay with me but a true greenie would rather leaf the gas guzzling at home.
Maybe the picnic table was made from a palm tree?
By the way, maybe this guy took the down under definition of “root” to, ummmmmm, heart.
By the way, maybe this guy took the down under definition of “root” to, ummmmmm, heart.
Would now be the right time to use the word “angiosperm”?
By the way, B, we have to hear from WP that you’re really a greenie? You should deciduous up front.
By the way, maybe this guy took the down under definition of “root” to, ummmmmm, heart.
It seems like he took it to the deck.
To the deck?
Wow. Talk about REDwood.
Bingley a greenie? You conifer it but I doubt he’ll confirm it. He’d be nuts to, since he prefers to rest on his laurels.
Man, you’re giving me holly hell today.
I hope you’re not planing to leave me in the larch on further comments.
You’re aspen for it.
Can we continue making these jokes all day?
YES, PECAN!
What a load a’ crepe myrtling me here!
Don’t try to make me sound like some kind of off-the-walnut.
The Paddy O’Furniture comment has already won the thread, folks.
And this guy obviously misunderstood what enviros mean by “nailing trees”.
Wow, what a poplar thread.
‘Fly, Bingley just recycled that line. We alder folks heard that years ago.
Ah, Ken, but when has it ever been so apt? A man is taken by a picnic table’s willowy charms, feels a little sappy, and soon there’s a budding romance…
Well, that’s true, ‘Fly. I guess in Ohio it takes a picnic table to show a hickory-al good time.
Ol’ hickory’s bark’s worse than his bite, y’know.
Not to imply that your wit is wearing tin, but y’all should steel yourself for some bad news: “…a round metal table…“.
I can’t believe the neighbor gave the video to the copper, though; that took a set of bronze ones.
I wonder what he said to the table…
“oh table, olive you so much I’m about to birch!”
Oh cool. We’ve about exhausted the wood category, not it’s on to metals! Oh, the iron-y!
Od dear. That should have been “NOW it’s on to metals”. I fear I may have bismuthed my reputation.
Exhausted? Oh, hell, I could still do wood jokes tree or four at a time, though it might sincerely test your metal.
His veneer would start to wear thin, it’s true.
Oh, off with your gold-darn insults. Silver I care.
It occurs to me that aluminum will be a tough nut to crack. Lithium me think about it.
Sodium make anything from aluminum yet?
This has turned into such a silicon versation.
Y’all realize, of course, that this gives new meaning to the term “woodie”, yes?
And we’re knot running out of wood jokes just yet, Ken.
BTW, I’m not going out on a limb to say that.
Because, y’know, not everyone is board with trees.
So don’t go dancing around the Maple just yet, m’kay?
Nor should you be cherry about all those metal jokes.
Oh, and Mr. Bingley, please be sure to spruce up the joint before you sign off for the night. It’s a bit messy.
Thanks!
Oh, I know we’re not out of wood jokes, Jeff. I could citrus down and write a bunch more.
I mean, if I apple-ied myself I could write a larch number of them.
Well, Ken, I thought you were going O/T when you branched out into metals.
So I jumped in to stem the problem.
After all, I didn’t want you going against the grain.
After all, this post is composed of wood, not metal.
After all, this post is composed of wood, not metal.
There’s always ironwood. A two-fer!
Man, Ken, that’s a balsa statement.
Well, I like two-fers because I’m cheap, like Ebony-zer Scrooge.
Whew! I worried that I might teak you off with my last comment. Glad to see otherwise.
I would have commented sooner but was afraid I maple a muscle.
I’m planted. (Ya’ll are killin’ me.)
Ken, “maple” was used 14 comments up. But don’t drink any hemlock, m’kay? It isn’t that big a deal.
Repeating woods just tends to gum things up.
And I know that such a fine practitioner of the lumberjackian arts would never stoop so low for a few cheap yuccas.
Evidently he couldn’t control his arbor.
Well, Ken is pretty locust, so he probably bought a really basic browser without a search function.
But I suppose people will get sycamore tree puns.
I never get sick of tree puns, acacia hadn’t noticed.
And if you need someone to listen to yours, I’ll linden ear.
Well, at least you aren’t chopping things apart.
Willow’ll you quit punning sometime soon? You’re making this elderberry mad, chewing over bad jokes like a dogwood a bone.
Hew know it.
Juniper know where this will end up.
And remember, Ken, Sis is prone to bouts of wisteria.
I wonder if he passed his time in jail by reading hawthorn?
That’s it ~ y’all just yaupon and on.
You know, I always thought there was something a little odd about Gomer Pyle and his “Cypress, Cypress, Cypress!” stick…
I don’t think I can pear this much longer….
But, hey, who am I to interfer with the freedom of peach? It’s in the Constitution, after all.
In fact, that thought inspires me to sing a suitable song:
“Osage can you see, by the dawn’s early light…”
Oleaster we’ll get a few chuckles out of this, eh?
Still, a lot of people are plum hilarious!!!!!
Why, I’ll bet THS was a riot in the Marines, working out on the tamarack!
Heh! I’ll bet y’all never saw that one coming!
(Jeff seems to mulberry hard over his puns.)
Hey, remember whathisname, The Dead Terrorist? That was sumac!!!!!!
Yellowwood let me ruminate, please, wpnlt?
Tremendous effort folks. Feel free to sleep like a log tonight.
I have to split soon!
But I doubt that anyone will be stumped soon.